As I sit here and type, my eyes are sore. Sore from the tears that have fallen from them to my cheeks this evening.
About 1.5 months ago my car broke down. I was crushed. I'm not going to lie... I still am. After being diagnosed with Epilepsy in Novemeber I wasn't allowed to drive for a period of time. For 3 months I never had a foot on the gas pedal (except for once to get a car out of the way at Christmas..) and that was frustrating... depressing even. When I saw my neuro in February she finally decided to release me to restricted driving. I could go "short distances". I probably pushed the limit, but drove 45 minutes to my grandmother's. I couldn't help myself. After all.. she didn't say HOW short. ;) On April 17th I was released to drive unrestricted, but my car broke down on April 9th. Now, I'm not comparing then and now by any means.. I CAN drive and it is SUCH a blessing! On Friday I was 7 months seizure free which is huge! However, sometimes it gets frustrating...
I'm not your typical college student. I've never been to a party.. they don't interest me. I've never been drunk.. that doesn't really interest me either. If you want to find me I'll typically be one of four places; home, my brother and his wife's, with my best friend, or at church.
When I couldn't drive because of my E, one of the most depressing things was the fact that I didn't always have a way to church. My bff tried to take me, but she was driving an extra 1.5 each day to get me just to the 11am Sunday service and back home. If for some reason she couldn't take me, I'd cry. And, when she didn't take me on Wednesday nights, I cried. I didn't cry because I wasn't with my friends or I couldn't go joy ridin', but because I couldn't be at church.
Here I am, new children's worship leader at a local church and I don't have a car to get there. My mother has been so very kind to let me use her car to get me to church and take it so I could meet with the pastor on a few different ocassions.
VBS for the church I attend (not the one I serve at) is this week. I have no set plan as far as transportation goes on how I'll get there exactly. Here I am.. once again.. in tears.
Yes, I'm in tears because I can't get to VBS. I signed up to work and I'm afraid I won't be able to go. Not because I've had to cancel girl's night out with my friends or something, but because I want to be in the House of God and SERVE!
I texted a wonderful lady I met back in December at our church. She's so very sweet and has been there for me to pray with me and listen to me vent and help me work through some concerns I have about going into the ministry. Tonight I simply asked that she'd pray about the "car situation" as she already knew I'd been without. I told her that I felt like satan was trying to see just how far he could bend me before I'd break. I also told her how guilty I felt because I'm crying because I don't have a car, when people in OK have just lost their families.. their homes.. everything. She asked how the progress was of me getting closer to having a vehicle. I told her I had about $600 and we believe it'd cost about $700 to get it fixed. She texted me and told me she'd pay the difference.
I sobbed. And I sobbed. I couldn't believe what I was reading. Are my eyes messed up? Can this be? I replied and told her that wasn't the point in my message to her at all and that I just wanted her to pray about it all. She said she had prayed, but that sometimes you're supposed to do something too.
Her $100 means more to me than a rich man's $1000 ever could. I know because we've talked that she doesn't have money stacked up a safe with 3 cars, 2 boats, a 2,500 sqft. home, and a pool surrounded by a white picket fence. That's just not the life she is able to live. Does she have a job? Yes. A home, a car, and the things this world requires? Sure. But, it doesn't mean she has it all.
She is digging into the depths of her pockets to do this for me. If I had anymore tears to cry right now, I believe I would.
When I told her I didn't deserve it she said I did because I'm a child of the King. I started crying all over again.
Much like I don't deserve this financial blessing she is giving me, I don't deserve the forgiveness Christ gives me each and every single day. Who am I that He would suffer and die for me? How am I, a college student from a small town, worth it?
Sometimes, we just have to accept our blessings and be thankful for them.
Even though what Christ went through on the cross for me breaks my heart, I'm so very appreciative and thankful that He did it. And even though I feel I don't deserve this monetary blessing from this beautiful soul, I trust that God is trying to bless me through this and I really don't want to rob HER of the blessing that she will receieve for blessing me.
There are some amazing people in this world. I say I am speechless and have no words, yet my heart has so many things to say my brain just won't process it fast enough to type it.
God DOES exist, folks. He is my everything. I'd be nothing without Him and I'd be lost without Him.
Bless someone this week... pay for their meal anonymously, cover the person behind you at the theatre, do SOMETHING! Even the small things make a difference! And, if you can... do a big thing. While I believe both means just as much to the receiever and the giver, just give it a go! You know, I've paid it forward before and I'll be paying it forward again in the future because of this young woman who is making a sacrifice for me.
Forever thankful. Forever blessed.
Tonight, hug your family a little tighter and thank God a little more. In one moment everything can change.
